Sunday, December 13, 2009

SOS

there's still no sign of progress..we still fight over the same things, again and again.. and again, he'd always put the blame on me.. i'm just wondering if is it really just ALL my fault? he'd take no responsibility about the fights that we had because for him, it's all my fault.. i don't know.. i don't know what to think right now.. it makes me want to hate myself even more.. i don't think if i made him happy at all.. maybe we're really not meant for each other.. maybe we just met because with each other, we can learn a lot.. actually, i really have learned a lot.. but the problem is that, i don't know how to make things right. i don't know how to do things right..

God! i badly need help...

Thursday, December 3, 2009

i don't know what to feel..

virgil and i had a serious convo regarding our relationship.. we fight over petty things,making it a big deal which leads to a more complicated situation.. for 9 months that we've been together, still we haven't able to adjust to each other.. he's new at something like this, you know, this kind of serious type of relationship.. we both don't know how to work things out.. i don't know, maybe i'm just too selfish, too possesive.. haaay not healthy! grrr you know, i think we won't last long together because none of us is willing to stoop down our pride for our relationship's sake. haay that'd be sad :( i don't ecpext anything anymore on this relationship. i'm almost tired, and there were several times that i really gave up.. i broke up with him,and i was like so amazed when he didn't agree with me on that because as far as i know, he's the kind of guy who always breaks up with his gf's before, but not with me? i don't know.. i felt flattered though, and glad that i am not one of those girls he didn't love.. and that's according to him. he'd always tell me that i'm his first love and i believe him.. :) i have nothing against him because he really loves me, it's just that, i dont know how to understand him.. i can't.. okay. the problem's with me. GAGA! sometimes, i wanna feel numb because i don't want to feel all these unwanted feelings. unneccessary feelings towards his actions because he's not doing anything illegal,in fact, he's so honest.. he'd always tell me where he'd go, who he's with and all that..haaay i'm being pathetic and paranoid! what's wrong with me? i don't want this. gahd! i love him so much and i'm so scared that i might just lose him because of my unwanted attitudes. huhu help! badly need help! i have a lot more to share next time.. i'm getting so sleepy now so 'kay! enough with the drama. i need to go to bed now. good night. :(

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

sentiments

i've made my share of mistakes... part of it was my fault... and "sorry" will never be enough..
i feel like missing him sometimes... wishing and hoping that we can be good friends... i wanna get close with him, again(not the close2x like be together again as a couple thing ha hehe)... but, you know, living a separate life with him has somehow helped us to be happy...
i wanna talk to him again because i feel like there are so many things i wanna apologize for... tsktsk..but still, i have no regrets.. i'm even glad he's happy now... really...

Monday, September 7, 2009

MAYBE...

okay! enough with all these pretensions!

i am bothered and confused with what i'm feeling this past few days and even until awhile ago:(

it all started when i saw THEIR picture.. (bryan and his current girlfriend) .. i know i'm not supposed to feel this way because i was the one who chose to broke up with him, i was the one who first got into another relationship after our break up, i should not be affected. but why am i feeling this way? have i made the wrong decision? or am i just being and feeling selfish again?! ugh!

i was okay na eh! then this picture showed up! and i was so damn "affected" again...

Me and bryan.. we were on a roller coaster ride.. we've been through worsts and bliss.. we've been through a lot and he showed me things i never knew i could see.. i've learned a lot about life because of him and i can't deny that... i owe him a lot... but i can't consider that a reason on why i am still having this heavy feeling inside me everytime i think about him with his girl!

i should be over him long time ago... i don't want this feeling... i feel guilty everytime i get hurt because of bryan... i feel guilty because i already have my boyfriend and he loves me... he always try to make me happy. and i am happy with him. he's the best thing in my life right now.. i don't wanna hurt him..

maybe i am just missing the old times with bryan.. i know, i don't love him now as before.. no! i don't love him anymore.. but i care for him still.. ugh! whatever! i just want him out of my intestine! LOLx.. haaay

i miss the way i used to love him.. :) and that i know, is for sure...

maybe. i could not love anyone right now as much as i loved bryan.. maybe this is why i can't let go of those feelings... MAYBE... and i hope that someday, i can be with someone i can love much much more than i used to loved bryan...

honestly, right now, i can only smile(but with teary eyes) everytime i remember the things that used to be... it was a great feeling eh... one that you'll miss when you can't feel it anymore... pareha karon.. hehe

pamawi:

PLEASE KNOW THAT EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LOVE VIRGIL AS MUCH AS I USED TO LOVED BRYAN, DOESN'T MEAN THAT I LOVE VIRGIL ANY LESS... we're stil on the process of developing/nourturing our feelings man gud hehe... bag-o lang mi.. so, we really can't say... basin diay, the person that i've been waiting for is the same person i am with right now dba?...

life is unpredictable.. we don't know what's ahead of us..

Monday, August 31, 2009

i love you big time!


It was not an accident why we met. It is already written and planned.


I’ve always asked God to grant me happiness and contentment in life. I wasn’t so sure on how and when God will answer those prayers. It was okay for me to wait for those things to arrive. I didn’t look for it. I just waited. Patiently… then you came. And I was certain. YOU are the answer to my prayers…


You listen to me. You accepted all of me. My imperfections and flaws don’t matter to you. You care for me so much. You take care of me. You love me. What more could I ask for…?


You’ve become my best friend. Someone I can call a real partner. You are someone so special, so important. You are someone worth living for.


You make me smile, you make me laugh, you can make me real mad, and you can make me feel so sad. What ever it is that you do to me, you know I will always love you.


I love you! So much… and I could live this way my whole life… I love you!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

confusions, sadness and churva churva tsktsk

i am over him! or at least that's what i wanna think! but with what i saw over the internet a while ago? whew! i felt some electricity running through the wholeness of my body.. caught myself into thinking.. "what if...? what could have happen if those things never happened to us?" *sigh! but please do not misunderstand this entry.. i have no regrets at all.. it's just that i miss those times with him.. all of those stupidity! those fights! those curses! haha it was indeed a great experience.. one of a kind.. not the usual relationship one could have.. the distance, sacrifices, family acceptance and all.. it's all oh so memorable.. :) there's this "happy-sad" feeling i'm feeling right now.. happy because once in my life i met him, i had him.. sad because, it did not worked out for us.. it did not last.. but i know i'll always have with me those treasured moments.. most unforgettable, most cherished times,enough to put a smile on my face everytime i think about him and me and what we had before.. :)

i am happy right now.. not so sure if i'm happier now than before, but at least i am happy.. right? hehe

it was US before.. now? it's about THEM.. :) he has moved on, and i am happy for him.. (no bitterness involved) HAHA

oh well! naa naman sad koy akoa.. :) we often fight over petty things but that's nothing compared to all the happiness he brings.. CHAR :))

(okay ra akong pag deny sa sakit? okay ra ang drama ug mga rason?HAHA btaw, i am kindah hurt, but you know, what is.. initial reaction is initial reaction..) hehehe :) bahala na! haha

Saturday, June 20, 2009

i wish..

i'm bothered...

how can you love someone so much but not liking the situation, the feeling, on how it grows so much in each and everyday that you're together?

i am afraid of what is happening. i am so scared to fall so much in love with him..
i don't want another broken heart, i don't want another heart ache.

i know I've been here so many times already.
problem with me is i never get used to this.
it will always feel like it's something new,when i know for a fact that it's not.

i could not anymore fathom this situation.
i wish i could teach my heart not to fall too much.
"hey! you should only love him up to there. you are not allowed to exceed"
i wish i could whisper that to my heart,and the heart would only follow what i want.

i love him,no doubt about it.
it's just that,i don't want to disappoint myself if ever things wont work out anymore..
I'm too selfish to think of this kind of possibilities i know,
i only want a normal relationship, "uyab-uyab lang sa, dili mag binuang pero dili sad kaayo seryoso" ana lang gud.. aron wala kaayo problema ba.. haay!
i wish i'm somebody, that i am another person, someone a little numb when it comes to love. i really wish i am someone like that...

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

because he loves me...

Because i can't contain it anymore, i have no choice but to spill everything here in my blog.. :)

i always find myself smiling lately.. yes! i am happy. and no words can ever explain how much happiness I'm feeling..
having him is like having everything.. you couldn't ask for anything else, because, he is more than enough.. :)
Lucky, you think? oh no! i'd rather say
I'm BLESSED... :)

i am not scared of what it is that will happen after all this bliss.. i am not afraid of what life could bring.. not anymore.. Because i know. he'll be with me..

times when I'm with him, i just want the clock to stop ticking.. i want the world to stop spinning, because i only wanna be with him..

he takes all my worries away.. tears could never even attempt to run down my cheeks because they know that there's someone who'd wipe them out even before they start to fall..

i want to live this way.. to live life with him.. it's all i want.. and he's all i need..

Sunday, May 24, 2009

good-bye's are not the end... :(

as i am facing this computer, constantly thinking of what just happened between me and Bryan, i was in doubt if i should write about this whole thing since many of you might read it...suddenly, i found myself hurting.. :(

we've been together in a relationship for almost 2 years(2 years this june,supposed to be).. and with that time that we had, we have been through a LOT. we've been through worsts.. oh! i'm goin' to rephrase that.. I've been through worst.. you might wanna ask why?... yeah! we had lots and lots of problems and honestly, i was the only one who strived hard to have those problems solved.. and guess what? i just realized that awhile ago :( ...

yeah yeah! of course he loved me, but he is just not that type of guy who'll help you get through to anything that comes in your way.. he is the kind that would just let you have it all in your own way until it gets solved.. we've gotten that far in our relationship, basically, because i fought for it.. ALONE! :(

untill one day, i got tired.. i had enough.. and i just don't feel like i still wanna try because, i just realized that; WE are partners.. we should be helping each other, be with each other specially during tough times.. but that never happened.. and that pains me... i denied the pain i felt all this time because i thought it could help.. but i was wrong.. and that made the wound worst.. it cuts deeper and deeper everytime.. and so i gave up..

it's never that easy to forget everything.. it didn't made me any stronger, it made me weaker instead..

those tears i shed, those laughters, those smiles, will be carved for always in my heart..
i'm sorry it didn't work out for us.. you will never be forgotten because you made great changes in my life.. and i owe you for that..

i'm so sorry..

thank you for everything....

=( =( =(

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

happiness in a while...

There’s a lot to say...

There are so many things that's going on... I am dumb-founded (exaggeratedly true)... My head's spinning like a yo-yo... My heart beats so fast then so slow... Does it always have to be this way..?(I asked myself)... I found no answers... there was only silence... I have disappointed myself as much as i disappointed them (those people who I think who cares)… I chose to believe on the other side without any assurance if it'll bring me good or not... I took a chance... I hope it'll be just worth it... I am happy... I don't know how long will this happiness would last... it may end up too soon but at least, it made me happy... it's not being selfish... I just realized that I need to be happy even just for a little while... This might just hurt me after but I know I’ll have no regrets... POINT IS? : I found HAPPINESS...

Stupidity as you might call it… fact is? I DON’T CARE…

People will never stop making gossip and issues about everyone else… and that’s the saddest truth ever… they’ll never stop pointing things against you… you just have to play their games… they’ll only stop because of either they are already tired or you won… but the best thing to do is to let them get tired of their own dramas… everything has its endings… and the best part is? Yeah you might fail, but you will learn…

Friday, January 2, 2009

the break up :((

first post for the year.

how unlucky i am to begin this year with the saddest story.. me and bryan? i guess we're done.. i guess i am giving up, not that i am weak, but because, i have no more reason to fight anymore. he's leaving me behind. and i am not that stupid to wait for nothing. i am not dumb to keep on holding on when it is all clear enough that i am not important to him. he don't need me. he doesn't love me anymore. it hurts. really. but i don't wanna beg ANYMORE. i'm too tired. guess i had enough. i hope i can move on. i still love him so much. but that doesn't matter to him. :(( i hope i can handle this. i hope it will all get better soon. i'm not good in moving :((